Rhonda Jones
English 621
Professor Brown
May 27, 2009
Turning point
The sharp wail of an air raid siren suddenly troubled the stillness of the night, startling me from a deep slumber into a heightened state of wakefulness. I jerked myself from my bunk and darted ahead of my two roommates into the latrine to square away my personal hygiene. Then I slid into one of the crisply pressed green camouflage uniforms hanging in the nearby locker and tugged on a glassy pair of leather boots. Only seconds later, I was charging down the two story barrack stairwell into a chilly Kansas dawn. I strode purposefully towards the 16th Mobile Army Surgical Hospital’s headquarters, where the company’s troops were already beginning to fall into a formation about ten soldiers wide and fifteen or so soldiers long. The air raid siren had signified the beginning of Ft. Riley’s war games: a full week of mock battles and training exercises. My pace quickened, as eager anticipation coursed through my veins.
As I hurried down the paved walkway towards the headquarters, I noticed dense white smoke billowing from one of the red brick buildings just ahead. A few steps further, I struck an invisible wall of noxious fume and was suddenly overcome by extreme nausea and intense stomach spasms. I doubled over and fell to my knees. Then I gasped for air and began retching uncontrollably. The relentless gastric attack rendered me completely helpless. I remained there for some time, heaving in agony over a pool of my own vomit. Eventually, several cohorts lifted me to my feet and helped me to limp over to the assembly of soldiers a short distance away.
Once in the fresh air, the attack subsided somewhat, though I continued to feel lethargic and to periodically retch. In a moment of clarity, I came to realize just what had happened. As I had approached the chow hall on the way to headquarters, the thick odor of fried bacon grease that poured from the hall’s chimney had inadvertently triggered the gastric attack. I was terribly embarrassed and ashamed by my display of physical weakness. But more than that, I was shocked and terrified by the fact that I could no longer ignore, or hide from others, my pregnancy.
Up to this point, I had refused to allow pregnancy to diminish my intensive lifestyle. I ran and exercised all the more vigorously, rappelled off of towers and the sides of cliffs, and worked maddeningly towards completing various military and college courses at Kansas State University, all while moonlighting several nights a week as a cocktail waitress and managing a full-time military career. Already grappling with near physical exhaustion and mild sleep deprivation, I had absolutely no room in my life for a baby.
After all, I was on the fast track to the type of career success that I had always wanted. I worked hard and studied intensively. Within a few weeks, I was to be interviewed by a recruiter from West Point Military Academy and accompany him to New York to tour the facility. I was an extraordinarily determined and even more selfish and egotistical nineteen year old. This pregnancy was absolutely not going to ruin my life.
Jon obviously did not want a child either. His feeble proposal of marriage belied his utter disgust with the predicament that we had now found ourselves in. We did not love each other. We had only loved the idea of having sex. And even the sex was not all that it was cracked up to be. I was absolutely alone, with a terrible burden embedded deep within my womb.
And I could not stop vomiting. The nausea and vomiting once again intensified and this was soon accompanied by torrential bouts of diarrhea. My company commander ordered me to report to the medical clinic, which ordered me to report to Irwin Army Hospital, as I was rapidly becoming dehydrated. Somehow I made it to the hospital. After examining me, the physician postulated that my exacerbated morning sickness was likely the result of my carrying multiple fetuses. I just starred at him, mouth agape, in utter horror and disbelief.
The physician explained that it would be necessary to conduct a test to determine exactly how many fetuses I was carrying. Because I was in my first trimester of pregnancy, he could easily perform an ultrasound by inserting a rather sizable probe inside of me. The prospect of enduring such a procedure was totally mortifying, yet I compliantly slipped my heels into the stirrups and scooted my pelvis towards the end of the examining table. The physician slathered a cold, slimy lubricating jelly onto the ultrasound probe and after a bit of mild discomfort it was set into place.
Just before the ultrasound image flickered onto the screen, I decided that I had all that I could possibly stand of pregnancy. Abortion was now a viable option. After all, I was only in my first trimester, and it would simply be a matter of scraping off a few clumps of cells. I lay there in silence, grateful that the physician was too absorbed in his imaging procedure to notice my anguish and despair. “Only one fetus,” the physician noted after a brief period of silence.
“A fetus is basically just a bunch of cells, right?”
“Why don’t you see for yourself.”
I reluctantly turned my head toward the computer screen, fully expecting to be confounded and exasperated by indecipherable images. My eyes slowly shifted towards the area of the screen just above the physician’s pointed finger, where a breathtaking image appeared. “As you can see,” the physician explained, “the fetus is fully formed at this stage, although it is no more than an inch and a half or so in length.” In awe, I stared at this computer image of the curious being that was growing inside of me.
I was mesmerized by how absolutely perfect and beautiful it was. I could clearly see most of its tiny fingers and toes, which were already beginning to grow nails. I could clearly see the features of its face– it looked just like Jon. Every so often I would see one of its limbs move. And throughout the entire ultrasound it remained in an adorable pose, with one hand tucked underneath its chin, as if the baby were in deep contemplation. I was delighted at how intellectual the baby appeared. But what struck me most of all was the fact that I had accomplished something greater than anything I had ever before endeavored …I had just created a life.
I decided at that moment that this baby was my baby. It was as much a part of me as were my arms or legs. I felt as if I could never be separated from it. There was no doubt in my mind that I loved it and that it would love me. I had at no time before experienced such clarity and so strong a sense of purpose. And as I came to the realization that my life must drastically alter its course, I felt no sadness or fear. I felt only peace and hope for the future.
When I look back upon my life, I consider this first encounter with my yet to be born child to be a major turning point. The point at which I was confronted with a choice between creating a materially successful life filled with meaningless things and creating a life for another human being filled with little more than love. By the grace of God, I was able to negotiate the best possible course of action. I was blessed to have been afflicted with gastrointestinal problems. For had it not put me in danger of dehydration, I would never have had to go to the hospital and would have missed this chance see my unborn child. Worse, I could have ended up making a decision that I would have regretted for the rest of my life. In the end, I walked away from a military career and ran with eager anticipation towards a much more worthy adventure.